The Self Improvement Paradox: When Getting Better Makes You Worse

When Getting Better Makes You Feel Worse

Have you ever heard of the self improvement paradox?

It’s when you’re working your ass off to get better, but instead, you somehow get worse.

Let’s say you’re trying to improve your social skills.

You go out more, try new conversation topics, and push yourself to interact with people.

Yet, instead of feeling more confident, you find yourself MORE anxious and self conscious.

And this paradox can make you question the whole process of self improvement.

But why does this happen scientifically, and how can you break the cycle? Let’s break it down.

Why Self Improvement Can Feel Like a Trap

We all want to get better in life, but what if trying to get better actually makes us feel worse?

This concept, known as the self improvement paradox, shows up in various situations.

It’s when the harder we try at something, the worse we seem to get.

For example, let’s say you’re working on becoming more likable.

You start trying different strategies to get people to like you…smiling more, being more agreeable, trying to say the right things.

But instead of becoming more likable, you start feeling fake and insincere, and people notice. They might even start to like you less.

And you can blame this on the Value And Confidence Dilemma.

The paradox often stems from how we value tasks and our confidence in completing them.

When a task holds immense value but we doubt our ability to nail it, procrastination and self doubt creep in.

AKA, when something’s mad important, you get extra anxious about it.

Then, you end up avoiding tasks that make you feel bad, even if they’re important.

For instance, if you’re working on improving your dating life but find that the more you try to impress someone, the more awkward and stressed you become, you’re experiencing this paradox.

The harder you try, the more you realize your perceived shortcomings, which leads to increased anxiety and decreased performance.

The Science Behind the Self Improvement Paradox

The self-improvement paradox isn't just a psychological phenomenon…it has roots in neuroscience.

When we perceive a task as highly valuable and are under pressure to complete it, our brain reacts in specific ways that can increase anxiety and stress.

When we are faced with a task that we deem important, our brain releases a cocktail of chemicals, including adrenaline and cortisol.

These are stress hormones that prepare our body for a "fight or flight" response.

While these chemicals can enhance focus and energy in small doses, chronic exposure due to ongoing high-pressure situations can lead to heightened anxiety and stress.

Dopamine, another critical neurotransmitter, is involved in reward and motivation.

When you set a high value goal and start making progress, your brain releases dopamine, which feels rewarding and encourages you to keep going.

However, if you fail to meet these goals or face setbacks, the lack of dopamine can lead to feelings of disappointment and reduced motivation.

Then, when tasks hold high value, and we feel immense pressure to complete them, our brain can get caught in an anxiety loop.

1.) First, the fear of failure or not meeting expectations can trigger the release of stress hormones, which in turn, make us more anxious and less likely to perform well.

2.) Then, this creates a vicious cycle where the more we try, the more stressed we become, and the less effective our efforts are.

The key to escape this?

Breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable steps, and celebrating small wins.

The Roller Coaster of Progress

Improvement is not a straight line. It's a curve.

Early on, progress feels slow and insignificant, which tests your patience and resolve.

Most people quit during this phase because they crave instant results.

But remember, consistent effort compounds over time, leading to massive gains.

If you improve just 1% each day, that’s a 365% improvement in a year.

This exponential growth means that the results you’re looking for might not be visible immediately.

It’s like planting a seed and expecting a tree the next day.

You need to nurture it, give it time, and stay consistent.

It’s during this nurturing phase that many feel disheartened.

They don’t see the immediate payoff and think their efforts are in vain. But trust me, the foundation you’re building during these tough times is crucial for long term success.

Strategies to Overcome the Paradox

1. Shift Your Perspective

Reframe how you view your tasks. See them as opportunities rather than chores.

Each task is a stepping stone to your success. This mental shift can reduce the negative feelings associated with challenging tasks.

For instance, if you’re working on improving your fitness, don’t see your workouts as a punishment for not being in shape. Instead, view them as investments in your future health and wellbeing.

2. Build Incremental Confidence

Break down daunting tasks into smaller, manageable chunks.

Celebrate small wins to build your confidence. This approach not only makes tasks less intimidating but also reinforces your ability to succeed.

Small wins create a positive feedback loop.

When you achieve a small goal, it boosts your confidence and motivation, making it easier to tackle the next challenge.

Over time, these small victories accumulate and lead to significant progress.

3. Master Time Perception

Understand that success is a journey, not a sprint.

Recognize that the initial phase of slow progress is building the foundation for future achievements. Patience and persistence are your allies.

Every time you have a negative thought about your progress, ask yourself, “am I better off than I was last year?“.

Most people overestimate what they can achieve in a short period and underestimate what they can achieve over the long term.

By adjusting your time perception and focusing on consistent effort, you’ll be better equipped to handle the ups and downs of the journey.

The BMM Takeaway

Overall, I say embrace the journey.

Remember, feeling worse while getting better is part of the growth process.

It means you’re pushing your boundaries and stepping out of your comfort zone.

Embrace this paradox.

Look at it as a challenge and laugh in its face.

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and understand that they’re a natural part of the self improvement journey.

Instead of letting them discourage you, let them motivate you to push harder and keep going.